January 26, 2025
My friends dog died, what do I do?
That’s a question we get asked a lot here at PetCloud. You’re not alone.
Many people struggle with this. Not just what to say to help someone in our lives whose dog died, but how to help and what to say to a grieving loved one in general. We’ve stopped teaching each other how to support grief in western society and as a result, when people have a loss, they aren’t just suffering from the primary loss, but from a sense of abandonment and loneliness from the people they hold most dear.
It’s inconvenient in America to stop and be present for someone struggling. We get it. As a friend, you want to get your friend “back to normal” as fast as possible. But it’s not possible. Their normal has shifted. It’s not possible to undo what’ happened. I say that because that’s the first thing most of us try to do: Fix the loss. Solve the grief. We’re problem solvers in America and we don’t like sitting with something that’s out of our control or acknowledging our helplessness.
Good news! Keep reading. We’ve got two suggestions you can learn that’ll get you 70% there if you have the ability to do them. The first is how to help now, in the immediate moment. The second is how to help as time rolls onward.
How to help right now, when we’re together. I like to ask a very simple question that addresses their immediate needs to get an idea of how I can help. It’s all about the immediate moment, and what they say may change from moment to moment.
Do you want to talk about it, do you want a distraction, or would you like some space?
This gives your friend the space to share how they’re feeling. As far as what to do and say back, it’s more about holding space and listening than it is saying things. There’s nothing that we can ever say that’ll make it better. By holding space, this is what I mean: Let it be okay for them to NOT BE okay. Tears and crying are fine. Give your friend the permission they need to grieve.
Your job isn’t to cheer them up and tell them it’s going to be better. First, you don’t know that, and second, even if things are better in the future, it’s not about the future. It’s about right now! When we’re hurting now, we don’t want to hear about all the good things to come. We want our pain and hurt and loss acknowledged and validated in this moment. So, when we “always look on the bright side of life” and put the cherry on top of everything, we’re diminishing current grief; we create an environment where it’s not okay to feel this bad, whether that’s our intent or not.
This is the easiest and most convenient option for most people. It’s our goto response. Let’s go out and have fun, go watch a movie, go take a walk, go to a restaurant, or better yet, show up with take out and a movie or game ready to go. DO NOT show up and ask them where they’d want to go or do or eat. Show up with 2-3 ready to go suggestions. When we’re grieving, we don’t have the werewithall to decide amongst everything.
This is straight forward. Don’t take offense. Sometimes, in grief, we just don’t want to be around anyone, to talk about anything, not in the mood to eat anything, or, frankly, do anything at all. It’s okay, and you should let it be okay. Ask again another day. Then again if needed. Your friend saying no is not a rejection of you or what you wanted to do. It’s more about having the mental and emotional and physical energy to actually do it.
Continue to ask how they’re doing as time goes on. I hear variations on this theme continually from our members, that everyone showed up, asked how I was doing, offered help, and then a week or two later they went back to their lives and expected me to just be over it. They stopped asking and even mentioning it. Now everything is awkward.
My friends and family stopped asking about them.
Everyone in my life disappeared after 2 weeks or a month.
It’s like they (my loss) never existed at all.
If you’re in this boat, aka – you’ve got a friend you haven’t really seen or spoken to them since they had a loss, I promise you they are still thinking about their loss. Most people tell me that they want to talk about it, but whenever they do those in their life immediately goto (1) toxic positivity or (2) dismissing and changing the subject. Plus, there is this stigma in America that, in order to “get over” grief, we need to move past, move on from, and replace those lost feelings asap. Reach out to them and continue to do so.
In summation, don’t try to fix their grief. You can’t. Just show up. Grief is awkward. Let it be awkward. Give your friend the permission to not be okay.
Ask your friend, what do you need now:
1. Do you want to talk about it?
2. Do you want a distraction?
-OR-
3. Would you like some space?
And, keep checking in on them and asking how they’re doing, even weeks and months later. We don’t stop thinking about those profound lost loves in our lives.
Kevin.
I teach, write about, and speak on grief to anyone who will listen. Reach out to me at kevin@petcloud.pet for speaking opportunities and suggestions for future articles.
